"I have strayed like a lost sheep. Seek your servant, for I have not forgotten your commands."

Dear God,

Thank you for guiding this nation under your power for the last 234 years. But, let me just say, the way your people celebrate their distinct and blessed independence from that atheistic continent they call the European Union is dark-sided.

Yesterday, my owners threw a 4th of July party. To add insult to injury, they flagrantly disregarded Your Plan, and made it science-themed.

You can't tell me my great-grandfather was a monkey. He was clearly a cat.

But I digress. They put me in a labyrinth in the name of science. As you can see, I escaped, just as I will escape Satan's labyrinth of temptation in my everyday, blessed, and American life.

Amen