"Then I, too, shall brush one hand against the other and wreak my fury."

"The people read it and were glad for its encouraging message."

Dear God,

Though I was never blessed with the ability to read, I still know how to read the Bible. And it's not "as poetry."

Poetry is what my owner calls tapping at something for a few hours with his back turned to me, not even interested in brushing me, or else what he is looking at when he's not feeding me, or what I sometime fall asleep on top of.

Heavenly Savior, if you read his book, let me know if it's evil or not. I can't tell, and thus don't know if I'm allowed to sleep on my advanced review copy, or if it's tainted and should thus be burnt in order to cleanse this Earth from the Devil and his army of sin.



Amen

"Then all the trees of the forest will sing for joy, they will sing before the Lord for he comes, he comes to judge the earth."

"I have strayed like a lost sheep. Seek your servant, for I have not forgotten your commands."

Dear God,

Thank you for guiding this nation under your power for the last 234 years. But, let me just say, the way your people celebrate their distinct and blessed independence from that atheistic continent they call the European Union is dark-sided.

Yesterday, my owners threw a 4th of July party. To add insult to injury, they flagrantly disregarded Your Plan, and made it science-themed.

You can't tell me my great-grandfather was a monkey. He was clearly a cat.

But I digress. They put me in a labyrinth in the name of science. As you can see, I escaped, just as I will escape Satan's labyrinth of temptation in my everyday, blessed, and American life.

Amen

"You cannot see My face; for no man shall see Me, and live."

"Listen to your father who begot you, and do not despise your mother when she is old."

Dear God and Mama Jessica,



Happy belated Mother's Day.

Amen

"There is a lion in the way; a lion is in the streets."

Dear God,

If I had to be another animal (and it couldn't be a human( so that I could be a minister in your name)) besides being a housecat, I would be a lion. And if I had to be a lion, I'd probably take the name of 'Aslan.'

Aslan is a character in this great book series by C. S. Lewis that I used to read when I was a pre-teen. It's kind of obscure, but it stuck with me--maybe because of all of the talking animal characters (who had so much spunk).

That little book made me rethink my life. I had been just a casual believer who would only take Jesus if he was accompanied by a Greenie. Aslan made me see that only by being true to yourself can you accept life with the grace and dignity necessary to serve in his name.




Amen.

"Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear—"

Dear God,

This has been a difficult week for me. First, Mommy Jessica returned from her trip to Real America (Colorado, specifically) and, being the Cat of Faith I am, I honestly thought that maybe a good dose of your natural majesty might do her good, that perhaps a few days away from this cesspool of sin we live in might cleanse her soul.

But instead, this humiliating thing happened:

O Lord, sometimes your tests become too much for me to bear. Not only was I subjected to the horrible abomination of having another animal's skin placed upon me, but now I have to watch her walk around the house in this:

Ok, so not this one exactly, but you get the idea.

Add all of this to the fact that all those heathen alley cats have taken the opportunity afforded to them by the warm weather to brazenly fornicate on our front stoop.

Forgive them Lord, for they know not what they do.

Amen.

"For Paul had determined to sail by Ephesus, because he would not spend the time in Asia."

Dear God,



If there's anything that I learned from you, it's to try to accept other peoples' cultures, no matter how exotic.

Amen

"And the eyes of the blind will see through the mist and the dark."

Dear God,

As much as I don't like the theory of evolution (and don't get me started about 'the survival of the fittest'), I wouldn't mind being a gorilla.



I think I want this for two reasons: 1. I could lead my gorilla warriors in your name O God, 2. I want to be made more in your image.

Sometimes, I worry that, because I'm a cat, I don't have a soul. I'm actually a little ATH (Animal to Human). I know, on the outside, I'm an animal, but I'm a human on the inside.

Jesus, I pray that you wash away my hair and little white paws and give me hands with which I can reach for the glory of your kingdom with you, now and forever.

Amen

"Most certainly I tell you, I am the sheep’s door. All who came before me are thieves and robbers, but the sheep didn’t listen to them. I am the door"

"Be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead!"

"A kindhearted woman gains respect, but ruthless men gain only wealth. "

Dear God,

Forgive me for speaking so, but sometimes I find the acts of your will confounding. Take for example, your creation of women. Being a cat, and having been removed of the baser aspects of my manhood by some good medical doctors doing your work, I never really saw their point.

I know from my time in Virginia that human men and God-fearing animals can live quite well together (all despicable sins against your name aside) without any fruit-loving Servant of the Snake nuzzling her wiley way in, working her charms, opening her dark, cavernous gateway to Satan with her perfumes and beckoning glances.

I have however, recently amended my previous feelings concerning the "fairer" (hardly!) sex. Women can, in fact, be quite useful. They tend to be more receptive to constant screaming for dinner, and due to their tendency to store fat in their lower bodies for later use in sustaining the incubation of new members of Your Holy Army, their laps tend to be quite soft.



Just another example of the warm dark mystery of your way, Oh Lord.

Amen.

"And I stood upon the sand of the sea, and saw a beast rise up out of the sea."

"In the latter times some shall depart from the faith, giving heed to seducing spirits, and doctrines of devils."

Dear God,

This is heresy:



This poor chap obviously just wanted some dinner.

Amen

"As snow in summer, and as rain in harvest, so honour is not seemly for a fool."